obstinate.org

I was recently speaking with someone, specifically giving them feedback / advice on a particular topic. Now, let me be clear that the item in particular didn’t strike me as particularly sensitive.  I gave my constructive feedback and the person got quite defensive about the matter, to the point where it was obvious that they thought I was being judgmental. 

Now, when I think of the word ‘judgmental’, I think of something negative associated with it. I think it is the difference between constructive criticism, and “putting someone down”. The actual words used can  be the exact same, but the delivery method – and the spirit in which the message was delivered are the real determining factor between the two.

Now, the hard part for me is delivering the message in a way that it is absolutely clear to the recipient the spirit of the message. Now I am pretty good at picking up on subtleties, however – I have also been described as a ‘bull in a china shop’.

Knowing that I can be brutal, I take considerable effort to think before I speak, I consider this a courtesy that everyone deserves, but very few people think about. Sure, you know what you want to say, but do you know how the other person wants to hear it? It is hit-and-miss unless you think about it.

Now on sensitive topics, where you are ‘walking on eggshells’ so to speak, how does one handle that? Sometimes you are in a situation where you can’t win. Do you go forward and deliver the message that you think is important, and right, and just deal with the heat? I think depending on the situation it may or may not be the right thing to do. I did what I thought was right.  Although I will be the first to admit that there are situations that you can be in where it makes sense to swallow your pride and just keep your mouth shut.

In closing, I would like to add that this is not meant to be an advice column. Think of this as me venting through writing. Obviously communication is the most difficult thing that humans can do.

The brain has an infinite number of varieties of emotions, experience, and foresight – trying to communicate that using a few thousand words as vocabulary is an extraordinary difficult task. I happen to think that I have the ability to communicate around 1% of what I feel, be it a limitation of articulation, or the lack of trust I have in most people to actually express what I feel. I think that this is one of the great tragedies of humanity, and is something that I have come to terms with over the past few years. We all live life’s of solitude, and we share glimpses of ourselves with others as we are able.

Perhaps this sense of loneliness is what drives us into relationships, sometimes with ourselves, sometimes with aberrations and fantasy, or even with non-human entities (cars, ideals, objects). 

That is the human condition, I suppose.